school’s in <2 weeks. still hasn’t hit me. wtf

If I had to state what I viewed as the thing I was most grateful for, it was that my first year of college was a huge lesson. I fucked up a lot. A lot of terrible stuff happened.

I was naive, and happy before college started. But, to say that my happiness only existed because of naivete is just not the truth. I was a thinker, no doubt. I lived much too often inside my head. Thoughts and moreover good intentions are good, but thinking is not nearly as useful as doing.

I’m growing daily on the topic of growing up. I’m not as idealistic as I used to be, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on dreaming.

8/29/12

how uninformed, judgemental, and stiff I’ve always been. I don’t know if this is the lowest I have ever felt, but to classify the current state I am in doesn’t even matter to me. No doubt, these traits are definitely not something I want to forever characterize myself as. 

Though, in a grossly pleasant sense, I’m not glad that I am all this gunk, but I am glad to have recognized it at all. It makes me smile to have learned this much about myself, even if it isn’t pretty because I’ve gotten to know myself more and work on it sooner.

Side note

Yesterday, your girl attended a kickback.  I was the only sober one there (vodka jello shots do not count). ‘Twas ma deuxième partie avec quelques booze et j’ai pensé que le simple fait d’être dans une ambiance de fête me détendre, mais j’avais tort. Je voulais boire juste pour que je puisse avoir une excuse pour montrer mon vrai moi plutôt que de constamment surveillé et sécurisé. C’est pitoyable, mais tout ce que je voulais vraiment faire-les conversations que j’ai voulu avoir, le toucher, je voulais donner, je ne pouvais pas faire parce que j’étais moi-même il n’y avait donc aucune excuse pour tout abandonner. As naive and regretful as this may become in retrospect, I will say—it sucks being a sober prude.

I have ever experienced. Let me tell you—

• septembre: Hot ass dry ass temperature that will make you NOT DRY. You will be perspiring indoors— with the AC on. 
• octobre: Rainy days are a whole ‘nother unpleasant story
• octobre-novembre: Freezing mornings. You can throw on as many layers of cloth as you please, scarves, mittens, pants under your pants, but as you bike, the wind will bite at your face. You will learn to love it.
• novembre: And, most recently, FOG like no other. I swear, it’s The Mist err’day.

I personally fucking love the piles of leaves on the ground. But, autumn must be maintained and not cause a safety hazard says the leaf blower. When was the last time I ever noticed the weather? Four warm 80 degree days in SoCal and I was already missing Davis.

I don’t ever want to go home. It’s a bold and slightly horrid thing to say but it’s the honest way I feel right now. I know that I won’t feel this way for any kind of wild blue yonder and I appreciate that because I’ll eventually miss home and time’s gonna fly by so very quickly and I’ll soon be home and then sad to leave again because the cycle goes on and on and o n.

Yet here in Davis, I willingly wake up at 6 and 7 AM. I look forward to starting the day. Normal stores are vast yellow grass fields and long UVA/UBA ray walks away. Rite Aid is closer than CVS is. We have to maintain our own mini homes. Shit is more expensive here, (laundry unfortunately included). Yes, I’m only comparing this to this recently past summer (though it’s still serious summer in Davis), all those complaints are weightless. The “love” for life I feel here, (I choose not to consider it love because I’m not very fond of that word so I’ll refer to it as) a boundless appetite for the sun to rise. This is a feeling I want to have always.

I like and don’t like to pause during the day and remind myself the days are going by and things won’t be this way for long. Our hair will thin, wrinkles and unfamilar colored spots and more stress will form. We won’t be as close as we are now and our optimism will surely fade. Or so they say? Still, if I were only to have this week of college to experience, that’d still be a nice memory.

Conclusion

You know, it’s a blessing and a sucky trait when you think so much about the seasons. May your god bless college. Salut.

I’m happy here at home and I’m leaving in less than a week. It is so clear to me the people who do not really care about me and more importantly those who do care (and I the same to both) and I have this summer before college to thank. Even so, this happiness at home is no doubt associated with a comfort. The past two days I’ve been trying not to really delve deep into the soon-to-be reality because the thoughts take such a sad spiral. I feel heartless because I think about the whole physically leaving loved ones behind aspect.

Still, I made a decision and this is part of it. College won’t be entirely dandy (the occasional homesickness for one). In retrospect, I don’t regret it.

Monday, September 12, 2011

was very eye-opening, to say the least.  One of the things I loved was being able to wake up, shower, etc., head out the door and within minutes, I was already where I needed to be. No need to drive or wait for others because almost everything and everyone was located on campus. Now, a few quick bullet points of some things I learned:

- Going to sleep at 12-1 AM and waking up at 5:50 and 7 AM= not fun + red eyes

- Showering in the morning in Davis= freezing

- A shower caddy and shower flip flops are a must because taking a shower and then slipping into tennis shoes is not comfortable.

- Walking to the ARC to work out is a work out itself so I really hope I have the will power to go.

- You can do A LOT in one day. On the second day of Orientation, we had hours of back to back lectures but they were incredibly helpful. I swear, these were the longest days, but also most productive days of my summer. I thought it was 4 PM so many times but it was only 12 something -____-

- Ask, ask, ask. Take advantage of your resources. Any question I had, was answered.

- Be open. The first day there I was the most anti-social, not as in making zero friends, but I was very closed, quiet and only spoke when spoken to, but that is just a horrible way to go. The last day which I thought was going to head by quickly since it ended at 1 PM, was actually the most fun, getting to know so many people. Everyone is in the same boat, far away or maybe even just minutes away from home, but probably are just as willing to make new friends as you are.

I have to say, I was sad to leave. It was really nice and refreshing to be hundreds of miles away from home, not knowing a single soul and coming home with new experiences and connections. The road trip back home was kind of a drag (much longer than the trip from home) but overall, it’s nice to be back in my own bed again. I am very much looking forward to Fall 2011. But there are still about two months of summer left and those days are not going to go wasted.

UC Davis, I’m getting a bike for you